I am a contrarian so I reject what is cool and trendy and one of those things is homecoming. I would like to say that I am writing off homecoming because it will be filled with normie socialites and I will be sticking the finger to the man but I am attending this year. This is because my dad wants me to wear my suit a few more times because of the sunk cost fallacy, and he wants me to go to prom too probably. So I will have to be pretending that I am going to homecoming ironically because I’m just that much of a rebel.
I did not ask a girl to go with me because I am afraid of women and because the other guys are going all out with posters and showing up to their house like its promposal. I can assure you that there is no girl at my school that is worth that effort. Anyhow, if I did get a date I’d inevitably have to slink away into the crowd when they ask me to dance because I do not know how to dance. And then maybe she’d laugh at me with her friends.
I’m not quite sure what they want us to be doing at homecoming anyway. I think you are supposed to dance, but the school banned break dancing and moshpits, which I thought were the whole point. So I imagine they want us to be slow dancing or doing something dumb as hell like the twist. Moshpitting I could definitely participate in, but I don’t really want to be looking like a goober when they force us to actually dance. What will probably happen is that I will be standing in the corner looking like an outcast rather than a really cool and mysterious rebel boy with an attitude. And I will be drinking a lot of punch.
The dress code said to be semi-formal. I don’t know what that means but it makes me worry that my suit will be overkill and people will be asking what the hell I’m wearing a full on suit for and it will really kill the rebel persona I am building if it seems like I’m trying too hard for homecoming. In today’s age seeming like you are trying means you suck and are uncool. I guess nobody else will be dancing either because they are too insecure. So everyone will be standing in the corner, drinking punch.
I tried to practice dancing in my room so I could show up at homecoming and break it down and totally shock everyone. But I feel kind of stupid even dancing when no one is around, so I gave up. It’s just moving with the beat anyway. I can figure it out when I get there, and I am hoping everyone else is as inexperienced. I’ve never attended any of those silly winter formals they held in middle school. I never attended any dances in eighth grade because it was Covid year and I was a borderline lunatic sociopath, I didn’t attend in ninth grade because I had no friends, and I didn’t attend in tenth grade because I didn’t. My high school career is really something. Eighth grade sucked.
After much pestering, I manipulated one of my socially reclusive friends to attend with me. This is partly because if I have to suffer, all of my friends should too. It is also because the only other person I had to go with at that point was my bisexual friend who looks like Jeffery Dahmer. And I didn’t think anything of it but one of my other friends said that if I went alone with him then he’d try to hit on me. That perturbed me enough to start bothering my other friends to go, so he would hit on them instead. So it will be me and three other people probably. What we will probably spend our time doing is daring each other to ask a girl to dance and calling each other pussies for not doing it even though none of us have the balls to. Except for one of my friends, who has a girlfriend, so he’s immune to that talk. It makes me wonder if he will ditch us for his girlfriend when the dance starts, in which case us three miserable bachelors will jeer at him while being secretly jealous.
What I want to do is to show up on stage at homecoming and start shredding the guitar and playing some sick moshpit-starting song. I told my friend that we should start a punk-rock band, and this moron said that punk-rock sucks because it’s just being loud and screaming. He has not heard a punk-rock song in his life, but he was acting like he knew all about it, which pissed me off (. And this guy had the audacity to say he listens to Beethoven. Like hell he does. Anyone who says they enjoy classical music regularly is a liar and they only want to seem culture. People who say they listen to classical music just don’t listen to music. I hold grudges, and I will not allow that friend into my punk-rock band, which will have a really sick indie name like One-Eyed Raven and we will be cooler and superior to everyone else in the school.
Anyhow. Homecoming sucks. If you enjoy it, you are a phony, and fake as hell.