Liquid

Today, your reporter, Nam, will being interviewing in a hotel. Was he allowed in this hotel? No. Did he pay at the front desk? No. Did he sneak past the front desk by crawling under? No, he ran across the room yelling, “FREE MONEY!” to distract people. Is he stealing all the shrimp from the bar instead of doing his job? Yes. Is he even paid for this job? No.

The first spot is the water fountain. Let’s zoom in to get a closer look!

(Sound of obese child reporter running to water fountain.)

(Sound of child reporter stupidly knocking the person at the water fountain down.)

Nam: So sorry madam!

Target 1: I’m a guy.

Nam: So sorry sir! If you would like to press charges, please call me!

(Sound of child reporter leaning in.)

Nam (Whispering): I don’t have a phone. But I have some big bucks to keep you quiet. 🙂

Target 1: Um, you’re like eight years old.

Nam: I’m a lot older than that. (Whispering) Still want the money?

Target 1: Are your parents here with you?

Nam: I’m sorry, I cannot tell you that.

Target 1: Why?

Nam: Because you’re a stranger.

Target 1: Then why are you talking to me????

(Sound of obese child reporter running away, yelling “CUT TO COMMERCIAL!”, even though we are not a TV show.)

Wow, looks like our first target was not too cooperative. Let’s hope the next dude is a nice guy. Next stop, the CASINO.

Nam: Hello good sir, I’m taking an interview with hotel guests. You sure got a lot of chips there. Are you a good gambler?

Target 2: Er, um, oh yes, I’m very good!

Nam: Seems like your fellow competitors are missing some chips. Any ideas where the went?

Target 2: Oh, well they probably just… um, lost them?

Nam: That seems possible. Hey, who are those guys in that truck holding some money bags?

Target 2: Well, they’re just my, um, very good friends.

Nam: What are their names?

Target 2: Erm, Justin and Rico?

Nam: Can I see the truck?

(Sound of Target 2 arguing with “Justin” and “Rico”.)

Camera Man: Hey, Nam, you sure this is a good idea?

Nam: No. But he seems like a nice guy. Probably rich, too. Why else would he have so many chips and a bunch of moneybags?

Camera Man: Doesn’t he seem a little shifty?

(Sound of Target 2 coming back.)

Target 2: Okay, you can come. But just do what we say, okay kid?

Nam: Are we going to another hotel?

Target 2: No, we’re going to a bank.

Nam: Oh. I can still interview there, can’t I?

Target 2: Yeah, whatever.

(Sound of Camera Man and Nam jumping into totally not suspicious truck.)

Justin: Okay, you can do your survey or whatever, but then get back in the truck. Start the engine, and don’t stop!

Nam: Whatever.

(Sound of shift truck dudes jumping out and entering banks in strange black masks.)

Camera Man: Why are they wearing masks?

Nam: Maybe it’s someone’s birthday??

Rico: Everybody GET DOWN!

(Sound of frightened crowd kneeling down on the ground.)

(Sound of Nam walking to one of the kneeling people.)

Nam: What a strange party this is. Tell me more.

Target 3: (Hissing) Quiet, you’re gonna get me killed!

Nam: Seems like a fun game. How do you play?

Rico: HURRY! START THE ENGINE!

(Sound of obese child reporter totally starting the engine.)

(Sound of engine dying and sputtering.)

Nam: What a nice sound. It reminds me of my brothers singing in the shower.

Target 2: Forget the truck, RUN!

(Sound of obese child reporter struggling to keep up with his new rad friends.)

(Sound of police sirens blaring.)

Nam: This sounds like a very big party.

Justin: Yeah yeah, just keep up.

(Sound of three men gasping after getting trapped in an alleyway between a wall and some police guards.)

Nam: So what now? We playing cops and robbers?

Target 2: Okay kid, when the cops take you away, don’t mention our names.

Nam: Okay.

(Sound of obese child reporter and Camera Man getting arrested.)

FOUR HOURS LATER.

Good news guys! Our interview was such a hit that there are wanted signs of us going up and down the highway! Let me back up.

 

TWO HOURS AGO.

Police Officer: Who were your three accomplices?

Nam: I have been sworn to secrecy.

(Sound of obese child reporter leaning in.)

Nam: But I have some big bu-

Police Officer: I am not interested.

Nam: I can raise the offer to-

Police Officer: Take him away.

(Sound of Camera Man skeptically being ushered in the room, while obese child reporter is taken away.)

Nam: YOU WILL REGRET THIS! LAWYERS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY WILL-

(Sound of door slamming.)

Police Officer: Okay, what do you know?

Camera Man: Well, we were interviewing some people in a hotel and-

Police Officer: Which hotel?

Camera Man: Totally Legit Hotel.

Police Officer: Continue.

Camera Man: So then we were confronted by these dudes in a white truck, and they had us go to this party in a bank-

Police Officer: So, you met men in a white truck?

Camera Man: Yep.

Police Officer: Their names?

Camera Man: One was like Justin, and the other was Rico. I don’t know the last one’s name.

Police Officer: And they took you to a party, in a bank?

Camera Man: Yeah.

Police Officer: Take him away.

(Sound of Camera Man being taken away by guards.)

Camera Man: Wait! I have more! Don’t do thi-

(Sound of door closing.)

Nam: ‘Sup.

Camera Man: Hey.

(Sound of officers closing door and trapping them in.)

Nam: (Sigh) I never thought it would end like this.

Camera Man: Yeah.

Nam: I though it would end with me cutting off a snake’s head and saving you just when you were crying, because you thought I died.

Camera Man: Okay…..

(Sound of object being thrown in window.)

Nam: (Reading note) “Thanks for not telling. Here’s a gift.”

(Sound of lock pick falling out of the paper.)

Nam: We’re saved!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

Child Psychologist: So you think he is a little demented?

Camera Man: Yep.

Nam: No way! On the way here, I learned how to count money! Only a mature adult could do that!

Child Psychologist: I agree.

Nam: What? I faced men in trucks, and I was being questioned by the police half an hour ago! I can handle anything!

Child Psychologist: (To Camera Man) Was he being questioned by the police?

Camera Man: Ummm, no.

Child Psychologist: Well, I cannot handle him, so here are several professional doctors that he can see, so I’ll-

(Sound of obese child reporter running out the door.)

ONE HOUR LATER.

Okay, Reporter Nam has returned to the hotel. What notes has he got for us?

Nam: Okay you will not believe what just happened…

 

I guess I haven’t gotten around to writing my blog. As my ELA teacher would say, I procrastinate. This is the same person who did not tell us how to write until 3rd quarter.

When I went to the doctor’s office last Wednesday, the checked my height. The good news is that I grew four inches from last year. I’m 4’11 now, so I guess that makes me tall. The doctor said that I’m taller than 6 out of 10 kids my age, but if she met the kids at my school, she’d lose her job.

The doctor said I had to get three shots. Teachers are always talking about how much we’ve evolved, and how thankful we should be to have this technology, but I bet people in 20 years will also be saying that. I mean, it’s quite barbaric to shove a needle in my arm and call it “medicine”. It’s kind of like bloodletting from back then. The theory was that when you were sick, you had to let out the “bad blood” out. People would go to barbers and let out their blood. I think. Not sure how accurate this is. You know those red blue and white spirals on barber shops? I think the red stands for the blood, the white for the bandages, and the blue the tears.

I think the people in the past had the best food. They cooked some chicken and got some corn. They were set. Nowadays, people eat fried potatoes and “chicken” nuggets. I guess the present isn’t so bad, though. People are always saying, “You don’t wanna know how hot dogs are made!”, but I watched a video and it doesn’t seem too bad. The future food will probably suck. There might be apple juice in burger form and burgers in juice form. This round clearly goes to the past.

 

 

Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there! (Editor’s Note: Yes, he did.) My name is Nam, and I’m selling flights to Ohio! Why would anyone want to go to Ohio? Well, there’s lots of good reasons. First, Ohio is near a lake. What’s so good about a lake? Well, nothing. But it’s a lake! Most people don’t see that everyday! (Editor’s Note: Actually, they do.) If you buy a ticket now, you’ll get a premium plane!

Perks of a premium plane.

-Seats are made from authentic dumpsters.

-A free goat with every drink purchased.

-Movies include: Life of A Shoe, Why Do Zebras Fart?, Life of A Shoe 2: The Smelly Foot, and Five Hours of Family Fun.

Ohio’s attractions include Cedar Park! That’s it. Ohio is a cold place, so buy my novelty clothes, designed to keep you warm. Why should you buy this overpriced clothes instead of normal clothes? That’s a good question. I’m not going to answer it. If you don’t like Ohio, you can always swim to Canada, because I do not sell tickets to anywhere besides Ohio. Buy Nam Enterprise swimming gear! It looks cool, and most of all, are actually khakis! That’s the Nam difference. (Editor’s Note: No refunds.) Swimming goggles are easy to see through! Nam’s Clear Scam Swimming Goggles: It’s clearly a scam! For more information, email me your credit card info and I might text you back.

Does anyone even read this anymore? I have no comments, so I can’t tell. I think Dad reads it, but it’s pretty sad if the only person who reads your posts are your parents.

I also think my title needs work. I don’t think anyone needs to know the date of which I wrote this.

Also, note to TL. Can you stop typing in bright colors? It really hurts my EYES.

Today, I ate breakfast. I got in a car. I got to a school. Today, I put on my beach hat since it was beach day, and they give out free tickets to whoever wears a beach outfit.

I had taped on a little sign on my hat. It said,” RAD BEACH DUDE.” Now, I realize, this was not a good idea.

I walk to my locker, and Nicole and Andrew are talking to each other. This was a typical sight. I’m pretty sure they like each other. Everyone knows that, and they pester Andrew and Nicole for it. Andrew’s face is the color of a sunburned pickle. (Editor’s Note: Nam is assuming that a sunburned pickle is red. He does not sunburn pickles in his front yard. He is not a lunatic. Sometimes.)

In ELA, the teacher rounds up the gifted kids and sends them to the gifted teacher. Actually, they didn’t really send us anywhere. They gifted place is our back table. Our school is too cheap to get a gifted room. Logan, a kid in my class, steals my super rad sunglasses. I thought Logan was a cool guy, so I think he should be arrested for this treason.

The gifted teacher takes my sunglasses AS IF IT’S MY FAULT. She doesn’t give it back until she leaves. Good riddance.

Yesterday, the teacher made us write post-it notes and put them on at least one person’s locker. She said it had to be a person who had a locker next to ours. The person right of my locker is a new girl named Olivia, but I don’t know her well, so I ruled her out. The person on my left is Nick. I don’t know Nick well, but I think he likes rock n’ roll, judging by the pictures in his locker. So I wrote this:

If you believe it, you can be it.

Just like that guy you have taped in your locker.

-Nam

We go to science class next. I look at my plant terrariums, and the grass is still growing rapidly. I think my beans died, though. Or maybe they died because they were competing with my grass for water. My beans are suckers if they were beaten by the grass. Then our teacher makes us write some notes about our assigned country. Our country was America. My team had me research clothing and home styles. Sounds easy right?

Nope. The internet is useless. Sure, if you want to figure out two plus one, they will give you a good answer. But if you want something specific? You are going to have to go through tons of research. After three hours, I still only had about a solid page. It was about the history, development, and origins of clothing. Here is an excerpt from my writing. Not sure if it’s exactly what I wrote.

As years passed, people started to question social standards and conformity. Women started refusing makeup and walked barefoot. Men wore long hair and had buttons bearing the peace sign. These people were called “hippies”.

I wonder if that’s insulting. Well, the science teacher liked it, so I don’t care.

During activity, this jerk named Jack steals my hat. I beat him up (Editor’s Note: Nam is too weak to actually beat someone up.) and took back the hat. The paper saying “RAD BEACH DUDE” fell off, so I threw it away.

After lunch, I go to math class. There, the teacher hands out talent show sheets. I wondered if I had and good talents. I would ask Khang, but he’d just say no.

During art class, I drew a cake. Then I sat and did nothing for half an hour because I didn’t know we were supposed to be customizing our cakes.

In gym, we have to play that Spud game again, but outside. I walk upstairs after gym. It should be criminal to make a child walk upstairs after gym. I walk to the sidewalk and wait for my car. But then the monitor is like, “Back up.”

So I back up.

She spreads out her arms and starts moving forward. “Back up,” she says.

I back up some more and trip over a girl. I guess that’s why girls hate me. Oh well.

 

 

 

 

 

Today, your announcer, Mr. Nam, will be showcasing some neighbors. (Editor’s Note: No neighbors are for sale.)The first and only, Luca. Luca was referenced in my earlier posts. He is a jerk. He is a friend. Which is he? Only you can decide! (Unless he runs away.) One time, Luca kicked a ball and broke my fence! What a good friend he is! Another time, he threw a baseball at my face. Only a true friend could do such a thing! At last, he kicked my soccer ball into the woods and refused to get it! Luca is such a good friend! To return the favor, I tackled him and beat him up! (Editor’s Note: That last sentence is a work of fiction. No neighbors were harmed in the making of this event. What really happened may be too disturbing for younger readers.) Luca’s parents no longer want him to play with me.

Up next is Haiden. His dog poops on my yard. Haiden has such a nice dog! If you buy a Haiden, it comes with the dog! (Editor’s Note: Dog poop may be unsanitary. Treat with caution.) One time while playing football, I tried to tackle Haiden. He kept running, and I was dragged across the mud. Only a true friend would do that!

The last neighbor is one whose name I do not know. They also own a dog! And yes, this dog comes with the neighbor. (Editor’s Note: The shipping cost must be payed for this dog.) One time, the dog tried to eat Bien! We had so much fun!

To buy any of these neighbors, contact Nam. The phone number is- wait, no, Nam DOES NOT HAVE A PHONE BECAUSE HIS MOM WANTS TO BUY HIM AN OLD PHONE HE CANNOT USE. THANKS A LOT, MOM!

 

 

1. Steal a wand from the Harry Potter attraction at Universal Studios.
2. Turn Khang into a pig.
3. Tape TL’s mouth shut forever.
4. Punish all my classmates.
5. Tame a dragon.
6. Turn my stuff into gold.
7. Run for president in 2020.
8. Hold all other candidates hostage.
9. Become president.
10. Become a dictator.
11. Make National Bacon Day.
12. Make Khang the Pig be the main feast on the first ever National Bacon Day.
13. Turn TL into an elf.
14. Make everyone pay ten dollars to throw rotten tomatoes at TL.
15. Make TL eat the rotten tomatoes.

I just looked at my recent post, and the title said May. Oops. It’s actually April. My bad.

Last Friday night I went to Ryan’s house. Dad wanted to go there to watch the game. It didn’t matter much anyway, since we lost. I heard we didn’t get a lead once the whole time.

Okay, Khang calls me a bandwagon, but I don’t watch many Cavs games. I mean, unless it’s like the Finals or something, I’m not going to watch. The regular season is boring because I already know the Cavs are going to the playoffs. Not that I have anyone to explain this to. Khang hates me and TL could not tell the difference between a basketball and a beach ball. Khoi says he is “learning to play basketball”, but I bet he still can’t walk across the street while dribbling a ball.

While everyone was watching the game, Bien and I were playing video games. I won’t type much about that. Unless you want a full description of me playing video games.

It was the humble knight, Nam, entering the dungeons.

He had a treacherous journey in front of him.

Nam pulled out his gun.

Out popped these weirdos that kind of look like a mix between goblins and cannibals.

They were no match for Nam, as he shot them.

A silvery mist appeared every time an enemy met an unfortunate fate.

The goblins would make horrible screeching sounds every time they died, resembling TL yelling after looking in a mirror for the first time.

Nam collected his prize of gold coins and left the chamber.

See how boring that would be?

Soon, WONDERFUL ETHAN (sarcasm) showed up and started playing ROBLOX with Bien.

I was once again in my crippling loneliness.

A few hours later, the Cavs failed and we went home.

On Saturday, Mom signed us up for some board games at the library. I like the library, but I go there to get books. Not to play board games. Mom dropped us off at some room with a couple strangers. I took a juice box. The juice spilled onto my lap. Some teens looked at me like I was some creep. Khang did not want to do anything. Eventually, we played Connect 4, and I beat him every time. As if the boring atmosphere was enough to cope with, the monitor there started playing Irish music. This was too much. I wanted to leave, but if I did, I would have nowhere to go. Khang wanted to play RISK. After Khang read the rules, he said it was too complicated, and we were about to play SORRY! when Mom came back. Then she left us alone for Dad to pick us up. She gave me her library card so I could check out some books. Well, when Dad came and I went to check out some books, I couldn’t since Mom didn’t give me the PIN.

That night, I was cruising through the app store when I saw this Harry Potter game. Me, being the nerd I was, got it. I must’ve spent hours on that game. Maybe one day I’ll be a wizard. I’m eleven, so hopefully I’ll get a letter this summer.

If I do, you better watch out. You’d probably be on fire if I ever met you.

 

Goodbye,

Nam