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If you have not read the previous post, please do. It is so bad it’s good. -Nam

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After I enter the school, the teacher takes us down to the media center to return the school computers we got at the beginning of the year.

“Are there any kids with broken Chromebooks?”, the teacher asks.

Several kids raise their hands, and are sent to the back of the line. Many of those kids look really sad. Perhaps it is because they’ll get charged. Or maybe they ate a bad burrito.

I really want the computer returning to finish so we can go on the field trip. “Hey Andrew,” I say. “How’d you break your Chromebook?”

Andrew does not respond, probably because he is still upset about the broken computer.

After the computer returning, we get on the bust. The teacher had said the lunches we brought would be stored in coolers, but the were tossed into a laundry basket. A laundry basket is nothing like a cooler. My McDonalds bag sat pitifully inside.

“Okay,” said the teacher. “Form a line.”

The rush of kids hurrying toward the door is unsettling. Miraculously, I am first in line. And what a bummer that turned out to be. I had to hold the door open for everybody else. We are split into four groups. My group was Andrew, Brady, Dane, Nicole, Kasim, Chloe, Brianna, me, and anybody else I forgot to mention.

We get on the bus, and I sit next to Brady. Andrew sits next to Dane in the seats behind us.

“The bus for ski club was way better than this bus,” I tell Brady.

“Yeah,” is his response.

And off we went. The forest we were heading to was only a few minutes away, so it didn’t take long. As soon as the bus doors opened, all the kids spilled out. It was as if someone had popped the cork off a champagne bottle and its contents came spilling out. Actually, that sounds a little wrong.

We began walking down the sidewalk. On my right, Nicole is walking with her new best friend, Kasim.

Nicole says, “Kasim is my best friend,” which I find crazy since they met three minutes ago.

So I say, “That’s crazy. You met three minutes ago.”

Nicole laughs that weird laugh of hers, and walks off. Kasim is a pretty cool dude, but he has somehow sunk as low as to hanging out with Nicole. Everyone knows Nicole is a bit out there.

While Andrew, Brady, Dane and I joke around, the teachers talk about setting good examples and all that. I don’t listen at all.

We enter the main building, and I admit, it looks pretty cool. There’s a model of the cit in the middle of the room, and a giant TV screen on the wall. We go inside the conference room, and that’s where I see this guy that looks like he’s in his thirties.

After we all settle down, the guy speaks up. “My name is Matt,” he starts off. Then he says some other boring things I don’t remember. He then introduces the other naturalists. After that, we get kicked off to our “stations”. Our first station is with Matt, so I guess this should be fun. I was wrong.

My field trip was amazing. There were giant spiders, the police came, I got arrested for trespassing, we saw a ship blow up, and we got free cookies.

Just kidding. All of that would’ve been a MUCH better field trip. Instead, we were sent to slog through the muddy floor while getting dirty.

It all started Tuesday night. Mom bought me McDonalds for tomorrow since she didn’t want to make me anything for the field trip. I went to bed. Then I noticed a bug crawling across the wall. I turn on the lights and I see this huge spider. I tell Bien to keep an eye on it while I get the flyswatter.

I really don’t like spiders. How they shoot webs out their butts, and how they have eight eyes. They’re just eerie to look at.

I grab the flyswatter and come closer. The spider had not moved much. I swing and miss. The spider falls through the crevice between my bed and the wall. Taking a peek under the bed, I see nothing.

Now I was nervous. I throw the blanket on the floor so the spider cannot contaminate it. I tackle Bien so he can get out of they way.

“Augh!”, he yells as he goes down. He quickly gets up and looks under the bed. “He’s gone,”, Bien says.

And people in fourth grade called ME Captain Obvious.

I grab a flashlight and look under the bed again.

“Maybe he’s hiding,” says Bien, who once again makes a useless comment.

Then Bien spots him. “It’s on it’s back!”

Indeed it was. And I knew the mature way to handle this situation.

I smack the spider into the wall with the flyswatter. Knowing bugs, it (probably) wasn’t dead yet. I grind it into the wall. The legs go flying off every which way. I’m sorry if this is too brutal for you, just deal with it. The spider lay motionless on the ground. Just to be sure, I smack it again. That was taken care of, and nothing overdone. Probably.

Bien disposed of the spider, and we went back to sleep.

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The next morning, I was pumped for the field trip. I was so pumped, I forgot to put on my deodorant. Little did I know, there was not much to be excited about.

It ate the usual breakfast, which was bootleg Cocoa Pebbles. I’m not kidding. The one I eat is called Cocoa Rice. If I knew how to show pictures, I would take a photo of the Cocoa Rice and show you.

I packed boots and my chicken nuggets. Khang and I hop onto the car. As soon as we reach school, I realize I forgot I had left my hat and sunscreen.

Well,  I thought. Too late now.

And I enter the school, unsure of what would happen next.

 

 

And now I realize this post is too long so I’ll split this up into about four more parts.

Would you like some Chooken Teenders? They are Kentucky fried. (Editor’s Note: Made in Idaho. You know, the potato place.) How do you know our Chooken Teenders are special? Because they are actually made from cows! (Editor’s Note: This is not true. You don’t want to know what they’re really made of.) You see, when a cow is cooked into a Chooken Teender, our special sauce brings it back to life, forming a preteen Chooken Teender. Our employees will then nurse the Chooken Teenders EVER SO CAREFULLY for two years.

But Joey? He really sucks at his job. Always slacking off. Wait, don’t print that.

The Chooken Teenders will then have secret spice sprinkled down on it. The spice will actually cause the preteen Chooken Teender grow into a Cheeken Teender! You see, when the methane gas (farts) touch the spice, the preteen Cheeken Teenders will explode, forming a Cheeken Teender. (Editor’s Note: Nam Company is not responsible for any persons gaining false knowledge of science.)

Chooken Teenders are delicous, but there are more uses! You can shave our beard without shaving cream! Don’t have a beard? That’s okay, shave your hair! Don’t have any hair? Shave your neighbor’s hair!

Chooken Teenders are also a great device. Simply ask, “Cheeken Teender, how’s the weather today?” or, “Cheeken Teender, show me nearby resteraunts,” or, “Cheeken Teender, why is my poop green?” Cheeken Teender has all the answers!

And if you’re still not convinced, then we have a third option! Cheeken Teender can break dance! Cheeken Teender has all the moves, such as farting, the “Why Can’t I Get a Job” dance, and the poopy dance.

Finally, a Cheeken Teender can be used for self defense! That’s right! See a robber breaking in? Pull out your Cheeken Tender! You see, the founders of Cheeken Teenders wanted it to also be able to defend a person. So, they inserted a razor inside the meat! It’s genius!  (Editor’s Note: Nam Company is not responsible for any persons swallowing undesired object.)

So do you want a lame Chicken Tender, or an awesome Cheeken Teender? The choice is yours! (Editor’s Note: Nam Company has dismissed all claims of customers being bribed to buy Cheeken Teenders.)

And now, a word from our sponsor.

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Have you ever wondered what to do with your life? Do you ever wonder what is the point of life? We don’t know! And now a message from the president himself.

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trainstrainstrainstrains YOU BEEN SELECTED TO EAT A BURGER whyamiwritingthis?ihavenothingtodowithmylifesomebodysavemefromthiscripplingdepression. 😀 🙂 🙁 >:) yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

(Note: I’m adding notes so people who do not understand the language of sports can understand.)I was outside today, and I decided that my neighbors and I should host an annual summer basketball league. Luca, Drew, and Khang agreed, so here are the rules:

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About 15-30 game regular season. (TL will not understand how sports work. Things like playoff trees will confuse her.) After the regular season is over, we MIGHT hold a free throw contest, All-Star game, three point contest etc. I haven’t discussed this part yet.(Note: Only 4 people in the league.) After that, the person with the worst record (# of wins and losses) is eliminated. The person with the best record will take a rest. The people in 2nd and 3rd will go against each other in a 5 game series. (First to 3 wins the series.) The winner will face the 1st place player in a 7  game series. (First to 4 wins.) Winner of that will be the champion, earning bragging rights until the next season.

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Since summer vacation was not upon us, we decided to have a pre-season game instead. (Small season before regular season. Does not count for anything except practice.) So I had a game against Luca. We were playing to fifteen. I score on Luca. Luca misses. I miss. Luca misses. He grabs his own rebound (when you get the ball after a shot) and misses again. I miss. Luca turnovers the ball. (Turnover= an error causing the other team to get the ball.) I swish a three. And then Luca forfeits. The final score is 5-0. So I guess in the regular season, I won’t be getting much competition from Luca. The only person I’m worried about is Khang. It’s not that he is an all-star, but he constantly reaches for the ball. I know being aggressive in sports, but he takes it way too far. He knocked me into the grass when I had the ball, and shoved Drew’s elbows into the cement. Khang thinks he is very good, but he constantly misses layups, even though he’s like a whole foot taller than the rest of us.

Just kidding. Sorry for the misleading title. My editor came up with that one. He called it “cool”. (Editor’s Note: Nam Is feeding you lies right now.) I have like, one or two readers and zero fans. My own mother does not read this blog. When your mom gives up on you, you’ve pretty much lost all hope. But I can try, can’t I.

SO COME ON OVER AND READ MY RECENT POSTS, BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE JUST READ MY TOP POST AND LEAVE, EVEN THOUGH I SOMETIMES POST MORE THAN ONCE IN A DAY! 🙂

Is it sad that I have to advertise my blogs IN MY BLOGS? THIS SUCKS! THIS ABSOLUTELY SUCKS! WHY DO I EVEN WRITE! DOES ANYONE EVEN READ- (Editor’s Note: We apologize for any inconvenience, because Nam needs anger management classes.)

Okay, Nam here, officially starting over. Hi there, single valued reader? Do you have nothing to read? Never fear, read my recent blogs, now under new management, because I’m just not stable enough anymore! I am now in charge of advertisements!

OTHER ITEMS FROM NAM BOB CO. (Editor’s Note: Bob is new official founder of Nam Co., which was then renamed Bob Co.)

The Bob Cookie: It can never be eaten! Trick your friends! The Bob Cookie: food that cannot even be eaten, so why would you buy it? A sweet TRICK!

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Bob Brand Water: It is water! Only 12.99 a bottle! But with special strength enhancement nutrients! Note: Does not actually enhance abilities, just more expensive. It is totally real!

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Bob Brand Fertilizer: This special cow manure will provide many nutrients for your plants! Bob Brand Fertilizer: It’s Total Garbage!

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I could not make this up if I wanted to…

It

You walk along the grass. The newly laid water on the grass tickles your feet. You are not wearing shoes. Why? Because nature is beautiful.

Trash bags litter the road in front of you. You are DISGUSTED. “There are not enough trash bags!”, you think. You take off your shirt and toss it down. You throw litter on the ground. “That is enough,” you think, smiling. “Now I can clean it up to seem like a good person!” Nature is beautiful.

There is a lost traveler looking at his phone. “This is a sacred place! Turn off your phone!”, you tell him. He looks at you and tells you he is just lost, and is using a GPS to get home. In response, you smack the phone out of his hands. It breaks. You run off. Little do you know, the man would be lost for the next two weeks until the forest rangers found him. Nature is beautiful.

You watch the beautiful scenery as you enter the thicker part of the woods. There is poop on the floor. You also spot a worm. You remember in science class that worms decompose waste. “This worm is slacking off!”, you think to yourself. The pick up the poop and dump it all onto the helpless worm so he can get to work. The worm suffocates. Nature is beautiful.

As you venture further into the woods, you find a squirrel. The squirrel is collecting nuts for the winter. “No!”, you tell the squirrel. You explain that nuts are probably living things too. You chuck the nut off a cliff so the squirrel cannot eat it. You think the nut is safe, but it bursts open and dies when it lands. You also killed the squirrel, because three months later, it dies of starvation during the winter. Nature is beautiful.

NO ANIMALS/PEOPLE WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG.

 

 

Today, your reporter, Nam, will being interviewing in a hotel. Was he allowed in this hotel? No. Did he pay at the front desk? No. Did he sneak past the front desk by crawling under? No, he ran across the room yelling, “FREE MONEY!” to distract people. Is he stealing all the shrimp from the bar instead of doing his job? Yes. Is he even paid for this job? No.

The first spot is the water fountain. Let’s zoom in to get a closer look!

(Sound of obese child reporter running to water fountain.)

(Sound of child reporter stupidly knocking the person at the water fountain down.)

Nam: So sorry madam!

Target 1: I’m a guy.

Nam: So sorry sir! If you would like to press charges, please call me!

(Sound of child reporter leaning in.)

Nam (Whispering): I don’t have a phone. But I have some big bucks to keep you quiet. 🙂

Target 1: Um, you’re like eight years old.

Nam: I’m a lot older than that. (Whispering) Still want the money?

Target 1: Are your parents here with you?

Nam: I’m sorry, I cannot tell you that.

Target 1: Why?

Nam: Because you’re a stranger.

Target 1: Then why are you talking to me????

(Sound of obese child reporter running away, yelling “CUT TO COMMERCIAL!”, even though we are not a TV show.)

Wow, looks like our first target was not too cooperative. Let’s hope the next dude is a nice guy. Next stop, the CASINO.

Nam: Hello good sir, I’m taking an interview with hotel guests. You sure got a lot of chips there. Are you a good gambler?

Target 2: Er, um, oh yes, I’m very good!

Nam: Seems like your fellow competitors are missing some chips. Any ideas where the went?

Target 2: Oh, well they probably just… um, lost them?

Nam: That seems possible. Hey, who are those guys in that truck holding some money bags?

Target 2: Well, they’re just my, um, very good friends.

Nam: What are their names?

Target 2: Erm, Justin and Rico?

Nam: Can I see the truck?

(Sound of Target 2 arguing with “Justin” and “Rico”.)

Camera Man: Hey, Nam, you sure this is a good idea?

Nam: No. But he seems like a nice guy. Probably rich, too. Why else would he have so many chips and a bunch of moneybags?

Camera Man: Doesn’t he seem a little shifty?

(Sound of Target 2 coming back.)

Target 2: Okay, you can come. But just do what we say, okay kid?

Nam: Are we going to another hotel?

Target 2: No, we’re going to a bank.

Nam: Oh. I can still interview there, can’t I?

Target 2: Yeah, whatever.

(Sound of Camera Man and Nam jumping into totally not suspicious truck.)

Justin: Okay, you can do your survey or whatever, but then get back in the truck. Start the engine, and don’t stop!

Nam: Whatever.

(Sound of shift truck dudes jumping out and entering banks in strange black masks.)

Camera Man: Why are they wearing masks?

Nam: Maybe it’s someone’s birthday??

Rico: Everybody GET DOWN!

(Sound of frightened crowd kneeling down on the ground.)

(Sound of Nam walking to one of the kneeling people.)

Nam: What a strange party this is. Tell me more.

Target 3: (Hissing) Quiet, you’re gonna get me killed!

Nam: Seems like a fun game. How do you play?

Rico: HURRY! START THE ENGINE!

(Sound of obese child reporter totally starting the engine.)

(Sound of engine dying and sputtering.)

Nam: What a nice sound. It reminds me of my brothers singing in the shower.

Target 2: Forget the truck, RUN!

(Sound of obese child reporter struggling to keep up with his new rad friends.)

(Sound of police sirens blaring.)

Nam: This sounds like a very big party.

Justin: Yeah yeah, just keep up.

(Sound of three men gasping after getting trapped in an alleyway between a wall and some police guards.)

Nam: So what now? We playing cops and robbers?

Target 2: Okay kid, when the cops take you away, don’t mention our names.

Nam: Okay.

(Sound of obese child reporter and Camera Man getting arrested.)

FOUR HOURS LATER.

Good news guys! Our interview was such a hit that there are wanted signs of us going up and down the highway! Let me back up.

 

TWO HOURS AGO.

Police Officer: Who were your three accomplices?

Nam: I have been sworn to secrecy.

(Sound of obese child reporter leaning in.)

Nam: But I have some big bu-

Police Officer: I am not interested.

Nam: I can raise the offer to-

Police Officer: Take him away.

(Sound of Camera Man skeptically being ushered in the room, while obese child reporter is taken away.)

Nam: YOU WILL REGRET THIS! LAWYERS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY WILL-

(Sound of door slamming.)

Police Officer: Okay, what do you know?

Camera Man: Well, we were interviewing some people in a hotel and-

Police Officer: Which hotel?

Camera Man: Totally Legit Hotel.

Police Officer: Continue.

Camera Man: So then we were confronted by these dudes in a white truck, and they had us go to this party in a bank-

Police Officer: So, you met men in a white truck?

Camera Man: Yep.

Police Officer: Their names?

Camera Man: One was like Justin, and the other was Rico. I don’t know the last one’s name.

Police Officer: And they took you to a party, in a bank?

Camera Man: Yeah.

Police Officer: Take him away.

(Sound of Camera Man being taken away by guards.)

Camera Man: Wait! I have more! Don’t do thi-

(Sound of door closing.)

Nam: ‘Sup.

Camera Man: Hey.

(Sound of officers closing door and trapping them in.)

Nam: (Sigh) I never thought it would end like this.

Camera Man: Yeah.

Nam: I though it would end with me cutting off a snake’s head and saving you just when you were crying, because you thought I died.

Camera Man: Okay…..

(Sound of object being thrown in window.)

Nam: (Reading note) “Thanks for not telling. Here’s a gift.”

(Sound of lock pick falling out of the paper.)

Nam: We’re saved!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

Child Psychologist: So you think he is a little demented?

Camera Man: Yep.

Nam: No way! On the way here, I learned how to count money! Only a mature adult could do that!

Child Psychologist: I agree.

Nam: What? I faced men in trucks, and I was being questioned by the police half an hour ago! I can handle anything!

Child Psychologist: (To Camera Man) Was he being questioned by the police?

Camera Man: Ummm, no.

Child Psychologist: Well, I cannot handle him, so here are several professional doctors that he can see, so I’ll-

(Sound of obese child reporter running out the door.)

ONE HOUR LATER.

Okay, Reporter Nam has returned to the hotel. What notes has he got for us?

Nam: Okay you will not believe what just happened…

 

I guess I haven’t gotten around to writing my blog. As my ELA teacher would say, I procrastinate. This is the same person who did not tell us how to write until 3rd quarter.

When I went to the doctor’s office last Wednesday, the checked my height. The good news is that I grew four inches from last year. I’m 4’11 now, so I guess that makes me tall. The doctor said that I’m taller than 6 out of 10 kids my age, but if she met the kids at my school, she’d lose her job.

The doctor said I had to get three shots. Teachers are always talking about how much we’ve evolved, and how thankful we should be to have this technology, but I bet people in 20 years will also be saying that. I mean, it’s quite barbaric to shove a needle in my arm and call it “medicine”. It’s kind of like bloodletting from back then. The theory was that when you were sick, you had to let out the “bad blood” out. People would go to barbers and let out their blood. I think. Not sure how accurate this is. You know those red blue and white spirals on barber shops? I think the red stands for the blood, the white for the bandages, and the blue the tears.

I think the people in the past had the best food. They cooked some chicken and got some corn. They were set. Nowadays, people eat fried potatoes and “chicken” nuggets. I guess the present isn’t so bad, though. People are always saying, “You don’t wanna know how hot dogs are made!”, but I watched a video and it doesn’t seem too bad. The future food will probably suck. There might be apple juice in burger form and burgers in juice form. This round clearly goes to the past.

 

 

Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there! (Editor’s Note: Yes, he did.) My name is Nam, and I’m selling flights to Ohio! Why would anyone want to go to Ohio? Well, there’s lots of good reasons. First, Ohio is near a lake. What’s so good about a lake? Well, nothing. But it’s a lake! Most people don’t see that everyday! (Editor’s Note: Actually, they do.) If you buy a ticket now, you’ll get a premium plane!

Perks of a premium plane.

-Seats are made from authentic dumpsters.

-A free goat with every drink purchased.

-Movies include: Life of A Shoe, Why Do Zebras Fart?, Life of A Shoe 2: The Smelly Foot, and Five Hours of Family Fun.

Ohio’s attractions include Cedar Park! That’s it. Ohio is a cold place, so buy my novelty clothes, designed to keep you warm. Why should you buy this overpriced clothes instead of normal clothes? That’s a good question. I’m not going to answer it. If you don’t like Ohio, you can always swim to Canada, because I do not sell tickets to anywhere besides Ohio. Buy Nam Enterprise swimming gear! It looks cool, and most of all, are actually khakis! That’s the Nam difference. (Editor’s Note: No refunds.) Swimming goggles are easy to see through! Nam’s Clear Scam Swimming Goggles: It’s clearly a scam! For more information, email me your credit card info and I might text you back.

Does anyone even read this anymore? I have no comments, so I can’t tell. I think Dad reads it, but it’s pretty sad if the only person who reads your posts are your parents.

I also think my title needs work. I don’t think anyone needs to know the date of which I wrote this.

Also, note to TL. Can you stop typing in bright colors? It really hurts my EYES.

Today, I ate breakfast. I got in a car. I got to a school. Today, I put on my beach hat since it was beach day, and they give out free tickets to whoever wears a beach outfit.

I had taped on a little sign on my hat. It said,” RAD BEACH DUDE.” Now, I realize, this was not a good idea.

I walk to my locker, and Nicole and Andrew are talking to each other. This was a typical sight. I’m pretty sure they like each other. Everyone knows that, and they pester Andrew and Nicole for it. Andrew’s face is the color of a sunburned pickle. (Editor’s Note: Nam is assuming that a sunburned pickle is red. He does not sunburn pickles in his front yard. He is not a lunatic. Sometimes.)

In ELA, the teacher rounds up the gifted kids and sends them to the gifted teacher. Actually, they didn’t really send us anywhere. They gifted place is our back table. Our school is too cheap to get a gifted room. Logan, a kid in my class, steals my super rad sunglasses. I thought Logan was a cool guy, so I think he should be arrested for this treason.

The gifted teacher takes my sunglasses AS IF IT’S MY FAULT. She doesn’t give it back until she leaves. Good riddance.

Yesterday, the teacher made us write post-it notes and put them on at least one person’s locker. She said it had to be a person who had a locker next to ours. The person right of my locker is a new girl named Olivia, but I don’t know her well, so I ruled her out. The person on my left is Nick. I don’t know Nick well, but I think he likes rock n’ roll, judging by the pictures in his locker. So I wrote this:

If you believe it, you can be it.

Just like that guy you have taped in your locker.

-Nam

We go to science class next. I look at my plant terrariums, and the grass is still growing rapidly. I think my beans died, though. Or maybe they died because they were competing with my grass for water. My beans are suckers if they were beaten by the grass. Then our teacher makes us write some notes about our assigned country. Our country was America. My team had me research clothing and home styles. Sounds easy right?

Nope. The internet is useless. Sure, if you want to figure out two plus one, they will give you a good answer. But if you want something specific? You are going to have to go through tons of research. After three hours, I still only had about a solid page. It was about the history, development, and origins of clothing. Here is an excerpt from my writing. Not sure if it’s exactly what I wrote.

As years passed, people started to question social standards and conformity. Women started refusing makeup and walked barefoot. Men wore long hair and had buttons bearing the peace sign. These people were called “hippies”.

I wonder if that’s insulting. Well, the science teacher liked it, so I don’t care.

During activity, this jerk named Jack steals my hat. I beat him up (Editor’s Note: Nam is too weak to actually beat someone up.) and took back the hat. The paper saying “RAD BEACH DUDE” fell off, so I threw it away.

After lunch, I go to math class. There, the teacher hands out talent show sheets. I wondered if I had and good talents. I would ask Khang, but he’d just say no.

During art class, I drew a cake. Then I sat and did nothing for half an hour because I didn’t know we were supposed to be customizing our cakes.

In gym, we have to play that Spud game again, but outside. I walk upstairs after gym. It should be criminal to make a child walk upstairs after gym. I walk to the sidewalk and wait for my car. But then the monitor is like, “Back up.”

So I back up.

She spreads out her arms and starts moving forward. “Back up,” she says.

I back up some more and trip over a girl. I guess that’s why girls hate me. Oh well.