1. So I am greedy and want another iTunes card. The price to pay is a blog about the vacation with 5000 words. I don’t know what kind of pleasure you get from reading an eleven-year-old’s blog, but if it gets me money, who cares? I doubt anyone will read this whole thing, since it’s about 4500 words longer than my usual posts. So just be warned, this post is REALLY long. Well, not THAT long, but still long.

I’m awoken in the night to pack for the flight. (That rhymes!) The previous day had been spent packing our clothes. The drive to the airport felt short. Along with our giant bag, we had three drawstring bags. Mine was filled with stuff such as collectible anime figures. (Just kidding.) I now have about a hundred words, so I should be well on my way. It was still early, so we grabbed some Chick-Fil-A. I did take a video while we were there, but they’re not on this computer. After that, we went on the plane. The flight was uneventful, so there was not much to write about there. After we landed, we had to go on a tediously long two hour ride. And what is my reward for staying in a car this long? An annoying little boy whose name is Khoi. It’s like Khoi is from another planet or something. He keeps a security camera that HE monitors. This kid is like, eight years old. Shouldn’t his parents be doing this? Khoi also likes to make things up. Apparently, I had been horrible to Khoi the last time we had come. The first thing he said to me was, “Today is revenge day,” and I cringed so hard. So what was Khoi’s brilliant revenge? He got all the little kids to put pillows inside a wrapped blanket and called it a “bomb”. And if you think, “Okay, that’s already too cringey,” there’s more. Khoi and the rest of the kids would run into the room I was sitting in and start screaming. He would start throwing the “bomb” in my face, and then run out of the room. And it’s not like I could ask my parents for help. I know what Khoi’s dad would say: “Oh just be nice to Khoi. He doesn’t get to play with the other kids often.” My dad would say: “Just let him play.” After the fourth time this happened, I was fed up. I marched into his room and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. Of course, his little friends started screaming and running around like animals. Even my younger brother was in on it. The traitor. I threatened Khoi that if he did this one more time, I would make this the worst ever week for him. I think he got it. I stomped out of the room. The rest of the night was smooth sailing.

The next morning was just as uneventful as the last. This time though, we went to the pool. As usual, Khoi pretended to be an airplane. He had brought his stupid Legos and made a boat. Then he rounded up all the younger kids. And if you’re thinking, “Will this whole post be about a dispute between Khoi and Nam?”, the answer is yes. My uncle (aka Khoi’s dad,) noticed all the older kids were bored, so he threw this Minnie Mouse toy into the water for us the get it. He probably stole it from Khoi’s little sister. On the third throw, I got it, because everyone else quit. I was going to give it back, but then I was like, “Nahhh,”, and put it in my pocket. Then Khoi’s uncle came over and asked me where the toy was. I told him I didn’t know where it was, while trying not to laugh. After a while, Khang kidnapped Khoi’s little sister. I then asked Khoi if he could swim. He said yes, but continued to walk out of the pool and jump to where Khang was instead of swimming there. And dad, if you’re reading this, YES, I can swim. I’m not a hypocrite. After a while, Khoi gave up and started crying in his father’s lap. No joke. His dad said I can’t talk to him. Last trip, that would’ve been fine, but not this time. Khoi wanted to fight, so that’s what he gets. And if you’re thinking, “Wow, Nam is sinking as low as beating up little kids,” then you’re absolutely right. I am sinking that low. Then the girl I didn’t know but was with us anyway found a frog. They had it trapped in a bottle cap by the time I came over. I asked one of the kids where they got the bottle cap. They said it was in the water. Gross. Afterwords, the girl tried to kill it because she “didn’t like animals”. What a wonderful person. When we were all leaving, I handed my uncle the Minnie Mouse. For that, I have been redeemed.

Today we are going to a farm. Lucky me. There was a pool in the back of the house, it was drizzling rain, and the adults were obsessed over this fruit from Vietnam. While the farmer and the adults geeked over it, I left to check what everyone else was doing. Then everyone was talking about a frog in the pool. It was a small frog, just floating in the water. They all wanted to get it out so it wouldn’t die in chlorine, but no one wanted to touch it. So I lied down on the floor to grab it. My shirt got all wet. At first I couldn’t reach it, but then Khang brushed it over with a stick. It picked it up and placed it on the floor. It hopped into the grass. Then we find several dead frogs. But then there’s a big frog that might be alive. Everyone expects me to save it, but there was no way I was touching that giant frog. Just because I save a single frog does not mean I’m some kind of Frog Jesus. Turns out the frog was dead anyway. On the ride home, I get a headache and fell like throwing up. So the lesson is: don’t touch frogs.

I wake up to find out we were going to a rental house on Marco Island. I think. It might’ve been Marcus Island or something. Two multi-hour drives in one trip is enough to make anyone crazy, so I played on my phone most of the time. The rental house was nice, and it had a pool in the back. All of us immediately went in. After a while, a friend named Ryan came over. He borrowed my spare swimming trunks (ugh) and went swimming too. Soon after, we all took a shower and started staring at our iPads. For me, gaming is like a drug. A few hours after being lost in my own world, the parents told us to go to sleep. The bed was full with my dad and younger brother, so Khang and I had to sleep on the couch. I grabbed the bedsheet before Khang could and was about to go to sleep when Khang stoke it. I looked around the house and noticed the basket of towels in the corner. Bad memories from the Arizona trip came flooding into my mind. I could either be cold, or give up all my dignity. I laid down on the couch for a few seconds, and grabbed the towel right away. Now I couldn’t even respect myself. But then, my dad came over and said we could sleep on the bed instead of him. The next hour was spent staring at the ceiling until I fell asleep.

I slid out of bed the next morning. Today was the day we were supposed to go on the boat. I’m not afraid of bost rides, but they do put me on edge. We pack all our stuff up (again), and hop in the car.  The first boat rental didn’t have any boats left, so we went to this smaller rental place. This seemed to make Dad triggered. Then Ryan and Alex came over. We had to get two boats, and we split up. The sun burned the back of neck, and I had more bad memories from when my faced peeled off. I tried to turn my hat backwards and push it down, but it didn’t seem to help. After about half an hour on the boat, we stopped in the middle of nowhere. Why you may ask? So we could swim. In the middle of nowhere. The adults jumped out first. Dad had trouble finding the ladder and setting it up, so we went last. All the kids had to wear life jackets, which was crazy because I could touch the floor. The jacket pushed me up but wasn’t able to sustain my weight. To sum it up, imagine everlasting strain on your head and neck. Now, imagine swimming like that. Ryan tried to swim like this but eventually took off his jacket and just carried it around. Right as we were getting back on the boat, I wondered if there were any shells under me. I picked up the hardest thing I could find. Before I could even get a chance to look at what it was, it bit me or something, and then I dropped it. And now I have a cut on my finger. Later, the boat got caught in the shallow water. When Dad went to check it out, he came back with a cut on his foot. Apparently, a rock or something cut it. There was blood everywhere. I’m fine with blood since I see it all the time, but for some reason, blood on a boat makes me feel dizzy. I can’t really explain the feeling, and you wouldn’t understand anyway. Ryan’s mom patched it up with tissues, which was kind of pathetic. It seemed like the thing that would only be used as the last resort. After another long half hour, we arrived at the beach. There was another boat there, but it was beached, and it was fun watching the people try to push it back in the water. We stepped into the water, but the floor was covered with rocks and shells, so we moved on to the next beach. It was just as rocky as they other one, so they made us swim with sandals on. That was just as dumb as the life jacket idea. How were we supposed to swim like that? It turned out, we didn’t have to. The water was so shallow it never went beyond my waist. There were no waves either. When I go to the beach, I like going far out and hopping over the waves. This beach didn’t have waves. All the kids just wandered around for a while. Eventually, I got bored and started wading to the next beach, which was separated by some trees. Ryan’s older sister followed all the kids who went to the next beach. It was pretty obvious the adults had put her up to the task. Ryan’s older sister made it there first, and found a small ravine filled with water. Inside, there was a school of fish. I tried to catch one of course, but even in the small river I couldn’t. After a while, everyone left to do something else, but I kept trying to catch a fish. Finally, with the help of TL, I caught one. Or we caught one. I don’t know. I ran to the others with the fish held high in my hand like it was some gold medal. They told me to release it into the ocean, so I threw it as far as I could. Now that I think about it, I probably killed it. We caught a few more fish and went home. I thought it would be a direct trip, but someone said they were going to check a place out, “to see if anything was there”. This was crazy, since the map showed there was nothing there. The other boat went speeding ahead of us, and when we finally caught up, we ended up in shallow water again. Which was exactly what the map said. We got out and left. What a waste of our time. The ride was uneventful, although I now have a funny photo of Khang and Alex sleeping on each other’s shoulders. We drove home and FINALLY got to swim. In the pool of course. That night, we all played video games while the adults went to a bar or a casino or something. Then, Alex spotted a bug the size of five fingers. People took pictures and everything, and left. Everyone went to sleep, and I didn’t hear more about it after that.

1. Everyone was packing the next morning. We once again hopped in the car to drive back to my uncle’s house. Once we were there, I sat down on the bed and wondered what to do. Then Khoi came running in with his little kindergarten friends. They were armed with pillows. I stood up, and Khoi yelled, “We’re not afraid of you!”, as he proceeded to be afraid of me. Then ran back into their room. This repeated itself multiple times before they stopped. Khoi is so annoying. The last day of our trip was wasted by going to the “clubhouse”. There was nothing to do there. Dad worked out, and Khoi’s Kindergarteners were playing in this tiny room with toys. I played a poker game with TL. I think. I didn’t even know what we were doing. After that, we had a Connect 4 tournament. We got some snacks from the vending machine and left. We spent the rest of the night on our iPads. The flight home was boring. I settled back in and went to sleep. The next day, all the Thucs (except for one) came, along with that random girl that was at Khoi’s house. I don’t even know how she’s related to us. All she did was cry everyday. We didn’t do much on the night they came. We all just hung around, staring at our iPads. For the rest of the week, we sat on out butts. I wish something had happened, but nothing did. Then TD came to our house. She had come from LEGO Land or Disney World or something. She gave TQ a lollipop or something. It was kind of like a lollipop, except it was in the form of a stick, not a circle. I don’t know why I remember or even care about this small detail, but I did. The next day, TQ opened up, licked the lollipop, and put it in the fridge. I mean, seriously, who does that? I guess I remember because it really bugged me. Another thing that bugged me was TL’s constant watching of some anime called Fairytail. Don’t even know if I spelled that right. All I have to say about that show is… watch your profanity! And then there’s Angel. That’s the name of that girl I didn’t know. She’s like, five years old, but TD says she watches German, Korean, and English shows, even though she only speaks Vietnamese. She speaks a little English, but for the first few days she was there, I only heard her say, “What?!” and “Stop!”. One time I was throwing something away. I didn’t even look at Angel, and then she yells, “Whaaaaat?!”. It’s very annoying. Mom made us go to Columbus for a baptism. The ride was two hours long, and when we finally got there, I met my aunt. My first thought was that she was REALLY short. She was shorter than me, and I’m 4’11. We walked into their apartment, which had an upstairs. I remember that I used to think they lived in a hotel. We saw the baby whose name was Roman. He had all short hair except for the back, which gave him a natural pony tail.  Most of the adults left to go eat sushi. That left me with my grandparents and Bien. I didn’t want to be bothered, so I spent most of the night playing on the iPad upstairs. The TV was on the whole time, even when I went back downstairs four hours later. It had some guy driving around Vietnam and eating the food. My aunt inflated a mattress and we went to sleep. The next day we drove to the church and watched the baptism. It was a lot shorter than the last one we went to, which was nice. Then we went to some Dim Sum place, although it wasn’t as good as the one in Ohio. But it was good nonetheless. We drove back to the apartment to gather our things. Then we piled back into the car and drove back home. It wasn’t until that night when we realized we forgot our toothbrushes. We had to use our spare, and we went to sleep. The next day, Mom made all the Thucs and all her kids (me) go to the zoo. Some Chinese Lantern Festival. I wonder why American people are all like,”Aye, Chinese culture is very unique. You better learn all about it.” I’m pretty sure everyone knows about Chinese culture now anyway. It’s not like Chinese people geek out about a hot dog, or have America Town. The zoo had a bunch of Chinese lanterns set up, to the point where more people were looking at pieces of paper, rather than the animals. There were huge lanterns, which meant more photo stops on the way. We walked past some more creepy lanterns, like the ones with literal white faces and red cheeks, which were just staring at you. Some of them moved too, which would not improve how many nightmares I get each month. We walked past dragons and swans. Eventually we landed in some show. It was weird; a lady was throwing stuff with her feet. And then some dancers with pole on their hands? I don’t even know, it was just weird, but I guess Chinese people wonder about our lifestyle. We went home, and it was so late that we had to go to sleep right away. I figured this was going to be the same thing every summer, and that’s when Dad signed us up for sports camp. I thought it would be an actual camp, but I guess not. It was just another indoor camp. We were all nervous on the first day of camp. Dad has signed up TQ and TL for the art program, while Bien and I were sent to the basketball program. All the kids there were mostly boys, no surprise. A lot of them were fighting each other on the floor. Not real fighting, but kind of like tease fighting. You wouldn’t understand. I look at my surroundings, and finally realize where I am. WE WERE IN A CHURCH! This wasn’t sports camp, it’s CATHOLIC sports camp! Cue the dramatic music! All of a sudden, the big TV in the middle of the screen started saying something like, “STAND UP!” There was a rush of kids getting up, and I was caught in it. Then this guy stepped on stage and started singing some song about Jesus. What was worse was that kids started dancing. Some kids started dabbing or flossing or smacking each other in the face. And I was just standing there rethinking my life. After the song, these two people started talking. One of them had a fence post around their neck for some reason, and then pretended to cry. Adults are so weird sometimes. After they left the stage, they made us watch “EweTube”, which starred some sheep talking about the bible. I don’t think anyone else got the joke about ewes and sheep. Most of them called it “EweyTube” anyway. Afterwards, some guy came up and made us do memory verses from the bible. At this point, I was wondering when the “sports” in sports camp would come. Then we watched another fake show about sports or something. Don Donnen or Chip something. Then we went to devotion to learn all about Jesus and God and other things. The guy made this paper demonstration of god and sin and people or something. And FINALLY we went outside. There were these two blonde kids saying stuff about sauce and “crossing people up”. We had to do lame old layups for the first half. The coaches made us to split into three lines for 3 on 2 offense. Then this kid chugged the whole Gatorade jug. The coaches split us up into teams. This one guy on our team said our name should be “Jesus Lovers”. For some reason, everyone else seemed to like that name. Well, we lost the game. We did some more basketball drills until we went back in. Dad picked us up and we left. I remember TD got a job and she was gone. We played video games until we had to go to sleep. The next day we drove back to the camp. The inflated green balloon guy started waving around mockingly. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m talking about the inflated balloon guys in front of car dealerships.I take a step back inside the church. And sure enough, the guy started singing again. Something about being alive. If any internet dwellers heard this song, it would become a meme in twenty seconds. Then those two people came up again. This time the one with the fence around their neck was wearing some baseball gear. Then she starting throw beach balls and baseballs into the crowd, which I’m pretty sure you can get sued for. Everyone else seem to enjoy it though. Then the sheep came back on. It made me cringe so hard. The sheep was playing Pokémon or something. Disciplémon, I think. Some game about collecting disciples. Then there was something about a goose and Fish-Fillet sandwiches from McDonalds. Then the sports story about baseball and more memory verses. We had to go the devotion again. The guy started talking about Jesus and how to get back in a relationship with him and Adam and Eve and a bunch of other stuff. We went out to play basketball. All the kids were still being annoying and immature. This one girl would just sit the whole basketball game. I know I’m the jerk for criticizing everything and anyone I see, but somethings cannot be left unsaid. Well, they can, but I just enjoy saying them. We had a basketball game, which we lost. The Jesus Lovers had fallen again. As we walked back inside, the green balloon guy smacked me in the face. I’m pretty sure I can sue them for that, too. Dad picked us up, and we went home. When we go back to camp the next day, the green guy has been taken away. I guess they don’t want any lawsuits. I walk back inside the church… I mean SPORTS CAMP. (cough cough.) Then THE SAME GUY sang the SAME SONG with the same CORNY DANCE MOVES. The more I think about it, the more pity I feel for this dude, having to sing the same stupid song over and over. And then the sheep again. This time, the video was filled with McDonalds jokes, fish-fillet sandwiches, and Jesus. And then those two people again. Now it was something about eating tacos or something. And then a video of someone eating a taco? At this point, you might wonder exactly what we’ve evolved into. Psychopaths? Probably. Then more sports videos and memory verses. We went to devotion again, but this time, they split the group up. They told the 5th graders to go to one room, and the 6th and 7th graders to the other. I didn’t know if I was still a 5th grader or not, so I went with 6th and 7th. It was awkward, because all  the kids there were taller than me, and pretty much already had mustaches. The new devotion room small. There were two boxes on a table. The teacher did some demonstration with the boxes. Something about sin which I forgot. And then something about bricks. I don’t even know. After several more minutes of staring at boxes, we went outside. We did some more drills until we had another game. This time, the coaches were too lazy to remember the teams, so we had new teams. My new team decided to be called “The Nine Disciples”, which isn’t much better than “Jesus Lovers”. We lost our game AGAIN. If you’re counting, that’s THREE games in a row we lost. We walk back inside. I play on my phone because I have nothing else to do. As usual, Dad took his time picking us up. The car ride was the same as before. The fourth time I went to the camp, I felt like I’d seen everything. I’d seen taco-eating weirdos, Catholic sheep, and a green balloon guy. I was STILL unprepared for what I saw in camp though. There was still that singing guy who I have been told sings on the radio. I highly doubt that. And then the Catholic sheep again. Even he seemed to be tired and miserable today. Then those two people came on stage again. This time, one of them was wearing a magician’s outfit. She told us she was an illusionist. She tried to make things disappear by throwing them at the audience. I wonder if they’re counting how many lawsuits they’ll get, because I’m going to sue them for a million dollars. I might even be able to make a living off of suing the camp. We had to do more memory verses, which really bothered me. We went to devotion for the fourth time. There were two chairs with string tied to them. The teacher did a demonstration with the string. Something about moving with Jesus or God. Then she gave us Play Dough. We went outside to the basketball court. I noticed the green balloon guy was moved to the corner of the parking lot. They probably didn’t want anymore fatal child attacks. Smart choice. There was a slight breeze, but it still felt hot for some reason. He had to do more drills and relay races. We had another game, WHICH WE LOST AGAIN. I make a silent promise to win the next game. We enter the sports camp the next day. I wonder if Dad knew he was signing up for a Catholic sports camp. And if he did, why didn’t he tell us? The guy sang his little song again, and then came the sheep video, and then came those two people. This time there was a box with a bunch of “clones” coming out. None of them looked like the original person, which was quite disturbing. And then we had to do more memory verses. When we went to devotion, I saw a pickle laying on a slab of wood. There were two wires sticking out of the ends, and I was afraid I knew what was going to happen next. She made us sit down. There was talk of Jesus and God or something. I wasn’t paying much attention. I was just staring at the pickle. And then she shoved a plug that was connected to the pickle into the outlet behind her. For the first second nothing happened, but then the pickle started glowing , and smoke started coming out of the ends like… you know what I mean. The lady stood right over the pickle, the smoke slowly flowing up into her face. The immature kids, which was most of the group, started screaming and yelling and running around the room. The woman just continues talking, as if she didn’t know the smoke had spread through half the room by now. Right as I thought I was going to suffocate in the smoke, the woman regained her senses, as if the smoke hadn’t been there seconds before, she quickly unplugged the pickle, and smoke stopped coming out. At first I thought we were safe, but then the pickle started smelling bad, like the pickle had a disease, died, and rotted in an alley with a pack of rats. Once again, the kids started rolling around on the floor, covering their noses. There was a small group of kids huddled around the air vent, trying breathe in fresh air. The kids by the window opened it all the way up and stuck their heads out. I don’t know if you’ve smelled electrocuted pickles before, but if you haven’t, then consider yourself lucky. The teacher tried to calm everyone down, but the smell was unbearable. I have to admit, I was starting to go a little crazy myself. All the kids were desperate to get fresh air, and soon there was a rush of kids trying to get to the vent or window. The kids who had kept their minds straight huddled in a corner, covering their noses with their shirts. Several minutes passed until the horrible stench flew out the window. We took a clean breath, and everyone continued like nothing had happened. I inspected the crispy pickle. It was black on the ends, and was now an unsightly shade of yellow. We had our last basketball game outside, I score a three and a layup. By then, I’m benched, and I hope the rest of my team can win this. And they don’t. We had lost EVERY SINGLE GAME. I was pretty triggered. The next day, Vinh came over for his birthday. There was a whole lot of cake, and everyone had a good time. Sunday was the last day my cousins were here. We went to a restaurant, and we departed in the front of the parking lot. And that’s it. Over 5000 words. It took me two weeks, and I’m finally done. So, goodbye.