Sometimes I think a lot and then I think it would be cool if I went and wrote about what I was thinking in a blog. By the time I’m sitting down I’ve already lost interest and I’m wondering why I should even bother writing. I apologize if this sounds pretty whiny but I know nobody actually reads about this and cares. Which is fine since I mostly use this blog to complain anyway. TQ does the same thing but the difference between me and hair is that she’s still being breastfed while I’m in high school. So you could say I’m just immature. That sucks in my opinion. Everyone thinks there’s something wrong with me, like I’m some sort of crackhead that’s an embarrassment to the family. On my Mom’s side of the family they already ignore me aside from one of my aunts. Even though I never liked them that much that still stings, for a grown adult to decide that even if I am still a child, I’m just awful enough to be cut out of the family photo.
To the younger kids if they actually read this far, I probably sound like a nutjob edgelord ranting on about how the whole world is against me since nobody is explicitly expressing their dislike. But it’s usually more subtle than that. I remember during the Europe trip my uncle would keep saying that I wasn’t as troublesome as he thought I was going to be. And to be honest this sort of pissed me off. If that sounds disrespectful, fine, but it’s the truth. People are always saying that your family members act this way because they “love” you. That’s a load of crap. That’s just a way to cover their butts when they lose their temper. Not many want to admit it, but there’s no such thing as unconditional love, unless you’re still a baby that can’t talk. It annoys me when people say they do things out of love or concern. It’s like something an abuser would say. Because let’s be honest. In that moment when of screaming, the only feeling was absolute, genuine hatred. There was no love to be had.
I see the other kids at school laughing with their friends or telling happy stories about them and their families. I’ll admit it, I’m pretty jealous. I wish I was born into an average family with a group of friends and the most pressing thing on my mind was the upcoming test or a school dance. Or sometimes I wish I was in a different world entirely, like those crappy animes. I might hesitate at first, but if I could leave everyone behind to start a better life in another world, I would. Of course, those things don’t happen, and you’re stuck with what you got.
And I’ll say that I hate that my parents aren’t together. My dad will probably say I’m a little pussy for still being hung up on this, but that’s how I feel. Everyone’s all like “99% percent of marriages end in divorce so don’t feel so down!” But all the other kids in the family have two parents and everyone I know at school has two parents and I’m stuck like trailer trash hanging around without a mom. When the teacher asked us who had divorced parents I wouldn’t raise my hand, because I find it humiliating. That’s pretty immature I admit. I still couldn’t bear it. My classmates don’t know anything about me so if I shared that one piece of information, I’d only be that kid without two parents.
I don’t talk about this much. My dad says he doesn’t care what I write on here but he’ll yell at me about it later anyway. My aunt and uncle I rarely see and even if I saw them more often I don’t think we’re close enough to discuss it. Khang and TD I wouldn’t even think about. I heard them talking about me behind my back once and it wasn’t exactly the nicest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve tried talking to the kids (pathetic, I know) but they don’t get anything. And if I started acting all mopey around them they’d definitely avoid me for bring the mood down. And we’re in vastly different situations, so they won’t get it even when they’re older. I remember Khoi started laughing about how my parents worked at a nail salon. At that moment I wanted to slam his head into the table until his skull cracked and he was bleeding. Pretty sad, yeah, how this teenager is getting all hot and bothered by the dumb comments of a fetus. But that bothers me even more. That I just have to grin and bear it and if I don’t I’m stupid. Like how writing this blog is just my stupid complaints that don’t matter. In middle school some kids were joshing me about it too. My life is just a real comedy to some people, and I’m such a clown for not liking it. So the adults can silently judge and the kids can laugh because it’s just too funny to bear. They don’t have to deal with it so who cares.
Since there’s no one in my family I can talk to, I figured I could just vent to my friends. The issue is that I don’t have any friends. I hang out with people and we have a laugh together but they’re not people I would ever vent to. I’d just seem weird for getting all emotional all of a sudden. I view friends as people you chill with if you’re bored, similar to how you might view watching a movie. They’re not people you share your life journey with. In the movies the protagonist always has their friend they can talk to and rely on. Those don’t exist in real life.
This has turned into an incoherent tangent so I’ll stop. I don’t think I’ll post for a while because I’m seeing less and less reason to do so. So maybe once every few months or I just might stop entirely. It wouldn’t matter either way.