The entire summer I’ve been dreading band camp which is a dumb stupid program you have to do if you’re in band. I was under the impression that marching band and concert band are two different things but I guess not. Or maybe it is. I’m not even sure if I have to be in marching band or not. Is marching band an extracurricular or is it a required part of the standard band class???? Either way forcing people to give up a month of summer break is just cruel. Yes, an entire month’s worth of band class. What I’m worried about are the uniforms. I think you were supposed to get them during July but I kind of blew it off and now I don’t have one. I’m unsure whether or not I can still pick one up during band camp. Also, I have no idea what band camp is, or where I’m supposed to go, or what I’m supposed to do. An optimistic part of me thinks there will be some helpful person at the front entrance telling me where to go and what to do. That’s probably not the case. I wonder if there will be lunch or if I will have to bring my own because band camp lasts a whopping six hours a day. There’s also a bunch of forms I need to fill out that I’ve been putting off. I think I need to bring money for uniform fees. Maybe I don’t. I know it has to be a check at least. Do I need to bring money for fall uniforms? Am I supposed to have those yet? When you order summer uniforms I think they deliver it to the school so how am I supposed to get it??? There’s a chat room where all the band member’s parents and the adults who run the show post info about the band program but so far they’ve explained next to nothing about how any of these things will work. I could ask a question but everyone there is a parent or staff member and I’d just feel dumb. Then I wondered, why the hell do I have to deal with all of this? Every other person has their parent doing these things for them and here I am worrying about paying for uniforms. If I asked my dad to do anything he’d just tell me to figure it out myself which is real helpful and even if he wanted to actually help he couldn’t because he’s absolutely clueless about everything and will just ask me questions about it when I don’t know either. If my mom were here she would deal with it and I would never even know about half this stuff but she wants to go retire at the age of fifty in Florida and live in her parents’ house. Also my trumpet is pretty dirty and I need to clean it. School starts soon. I have to go to Florida and live with some other family for a while. Then I’ll get back only a few days before school starts with no time to prepare. I have to bike to school now. Cross the street. I need to complete a summer book report. I wish I had never signed up for band back in fourth grade. I should have joined orchestra. They don’t force you to do out of school activities. They just practice during school and have an occasional concert. Even during the school year I have to attend band camps. And play in parades. Then they’ll make me play during football games. I guess there’s no point in me joining a club because band will just eat up all of my time. Not that I would ever join a club anyway. I wonder if I quit band it will look bad when I apply for college. I don’t really want to go to college anyway. I signed up for honors in all my class but I get the feeling I’m not going to get into some of them. What happens then? Do they assign me the normal class? I applied for team sports for one of my classes and I get the feeling it’ll just be a bunch of older kids. Did I sign up for enough classes? Did I sign up for too many classes? Is there a limit? If you exceed the limit what happens? Did I exceed the limit? I need to clean my trumpet. Do I need to buy shoes and gloves for band? Am I going to fail band for skipping out on the Fourth of July parade? When I show up for band class will I be behind for skipping the earlier mini band camps? I think I was supposed to get my uniform then. Am I supposed to arrive to band camp wearing a uniform? Everyday I just want to stop thinking about everything so I sit on the couch all day and watch videos on my phone. And when I’m lying in bed trying to sleep I realize I’ve wasted another day and I’m getting closer and closer to the things I’m worrying about every day. And then the cycle repeats. I’m sick of worrying about everything and if I could just abandon society or something or just press a button and end the world that would be nice but that won’t ever happen. There’s only ten hours left until band camp starts. I tell myself to not think too much about it. Don’t worry about it. Whatever happens happens. I wish I could be entirely indifferent and have no feelings and to just stop caring. And I can pretend that’s the way I am but it’s not. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t worry. I miss when all I thought about was playing on my mom’s ipad. I want someone to be there to tell me what I’m supposed to do, how things are going to go. Sometimes I think about going back to Florida. Then i wouldn’t have to deal with any of these things. I had a good friend there too. He was reliable and was there when i had questions or needed someone to sit with at lunch. My mom would let me do whatever I want and I could just sit around all day. If I went back to Florida I’d eat a bunch of snacks. And I’d ask my mom to buy me whatever and she probably would, or maybe my aunt would. And I’d ask for a writing program that wasn’t ancient and I could work on my book and drink a Capri Sun and eat ice cream and watch anime and just not care about anything. Maybe I’d ask for a Wii U and maybe I’d make some good friends and we’d hang out together. And we’d go fishing and I’d catch a fish the size of my arm and when we got back I could relax and fall asleep on my bed in the living room and maybe I’d get a halfway decent gaming computer and play all the things I wished I could play back when I was seven and learning about video games from youtube. all of this would be better than sitting alone at home thinking and worrying and not enjoying myself at all, whittling away the days until I had to go to school again and be miserable. These days my enjoyment comes from video games. And the enjoyment ends as soon as I turn the console off. The only other thing I can enjoy is dreaming. About becoming a famous writer. Making my own show. Getting on TV. Even something as tame as sitting on a large comfy bed eating a snack and binging a really good show without a single care. I wish I could at least have that last life. I have to go to bed now. I have to wake up early for band camp tomorrow.