So this guy (I forgot his name) gets married to some girl (I forgot her name), and this one god named Eris is angry that she didn’t get invited to the marriage, so she decides to get revenge. Her idea of revenge is tossing down a golden apple with “to the fairest” written on it. Of course, this causes an argument between some of the gods, since they think the are “the fairest”, and that the apple belongs to them. The gods who claimed it as theirs was Hera, the wife of Zeus, Athene, the god of wisdom, and Aphrodite, the god of love. Meanwhile, the city of Troy was led by King Priam and his wife, Queen Hecuba. They had a new child named Paris. Then, some idiot come along and tells them that Paris will bring about the end of Troy. Of course, like the reasonable person King Priam was, he chucked out Paris to die. Then, some woodcutter with a forgettable name comes and adopts Paris. He raises Paris for many years, where Paris falls in love with a wood nymph named Oenone. Paris is having a lovely life until the gods come along. Hera, Athene, and Aphrodite have been arguing for a very long time, so when they see Paris walking around, they decide that he should pick who the golden apple belongs to. The gods approach Paris and offer him gifts if he gave them the golden apple. Hera offers wealth, Athene offers wisdom, and Aphrodite promises a beautiful wife for Paris. Since everyone in this story has a low IQ, Paris picks Aphrodite.
One day, Paris come across the city of Troy, where Queen Hecuba recognizes him immediately (for some reason), and they take him in. This is where Paris hears of Helen, the fairest in all the land, who resides in Sparta. Since Paris is an insufferable brat, he decides to go claim her as his own, even though she is married to a king. Because Helen is also an insufferable brat, she leaves her husband, King Menelaus, and runs away with Paris. King Menelaus is reasonably upset, and declares war on Troy. Among the Greek (Spartan) warriors is a man named Achilles, son of Thetis. Achilles had been dipped in the River Styx, which grants invincibility. However, since Thetis is very stupid, she does not dip Achilles’s heel in the water, which makes his heel his week spot. Because Thetis does not want Achilles to go to battle, she sends him to an island where he has to pretend to be a princess (yes, really). King Agamemnon, King Menelaus’s brother, want to find Achilles so they both can go to battle. He sends Odysseus to go find him. Odysseus is actually the only good character in this story, so get use to all the other idiot characters. Odysseus hears rumors of the island Achilles is hiding on, and heads there, dressed as a trader. Achilles and the other princesses he is hiding among go to see what items he has. When Achilles sees the sword Odysseus is holding, he rips off his clothes and announces that he is a warrior. Achilles is very stupid. And so, Achilles and the rest of the Greeks head to Troy, preparing for a war.